I look over at him, staring intently, just like always.
And he doesn’t notice, just like always.
I feel that familiar feeling inside: the feeling of sadness at the fact that he doesn’t know I exist.
My best friend thinks that I like him. I mean, like him. I don’t know. I want him to acknowledge my existence, and I wouldn’t mind being his friend, but do I really like him?
Good question. I never did understand my heart.
Someone else asks me why I look so sad. I tell her some excuse, and she believes me.
The Choir instructor tells us to get into our performance positions. I stand up, since I’m already there.
I look at him again. He’s in the first row, and a few feet down from me. I keep looking at him, and he still doesn’t notice. He talks to the girl next to him. Oh, I wish he would talk to me.
All of a sudden, I start clutching my heart, because it’s beginning to feel really weird. Kind of achy, like how our stomach feels when we have a stomachache, only in my heart.
Somebody down the row asks if I’m okay, saying that I look perplexed. I could say that I’m not okay, which would be the truth. But I lie again and say that I’m okay.
We sing a couple of songs. I hit all the notes right, but the only thing that I can really concentrate on is the pain I feel in my heart.
Later, we move to our sections so that we can practice a couple of new songs. I move to the other side of the room. As I stand there, I cast a quick glance at him. He is in the next section, next to where I was standing before I moved.
As we all sit down, I am still staring at him.
I think he may have finally noticed my staring, because he suddenly glances in my direction, with something like a smile on his face.
I blink, and he is looking toward the front of the room again.
Did it just happen? Did he just…smile at me?
No…it was really more like half of a smile. But…it was still half a smile, right? Was it really aimed towards me? For real!
I make a quick and furtive look around. I’m the only person sitting in the top row. That’s where he was looking, wasn’t he?
Before I have enough time to get flustered, the Choir director tells us to stand up.
As we sing through our songs, I can’t help but glance over occasionally, secretly hoping for another smile, even a half a smile. Or a fourth of a smile would make me happy. But, much to my sadness, He doesn’t look over again.
When the bell rings, I think about following him, just for a minute. But by the time I have all my things gathered, he’s already gone.
I head for Geometry, thinking about the portion of a smile that I received today.
If some big relationship expert were to examine the moment, they probably wouldn’t find anything special. After all, it was only half a smile. They would probably see nothing more than a girl getting part of a smile from a boy they liked–possibly on accident, if the smile was really meant for someone else.
But I wouldn’t believe that big relationship expert. I believe that there is some hope. What happened today was a sign. A sign that there is hope, no matter how small, it is.
And so I will wait. I will wait for the next day that he sees me, no matter how fleeting the moment is.
I will wait for his next smile or half of a smile. Whatever comes first!